Confession, if it is

It takes time to breathe in.

I would not say like, that article has changed my life, it has brighten up my life, blahblahblah......no bullshit, no crap. The time is right, i would say.

Some friends of mine had commented my current state as "obsess with love", "totally changed to a different person for a man", "shifting my path for a man" or "let a man divert my life."
I hold silent.

I am neither proving it right nor wrong. For three months, i've tried to consolidate some of my beliefs. I did hold the belief of "everything goes", however, when it came to my own sphere of influence, i was nothing more that a guiding dog.

Well, may be i've looked a bit too feminist and seems that i should hold my rights, beliefs, vision or even my aggressiveness, if i have any. As if protecting women's rights, as if being a non-traitor of my group.

Again, i am not proving it right or wrong.
It will be useless to prove the motives of my past actions and behaviour. It will also be totally meaningless to justify my past acts.
I am not revolting against my past self and establishing status and power for my current self. I am not holding a binaristic view here, i always believe in fluid view, even fluid definitions.

After all, think out of the box, nothing is always wrong, nothing is always true. I doubt if there is objectivism in the world, but i know there is quantifying. And our definitions of things, like objects, pen, chair, phone; or the intangibles, theories, terms, ideologies, can we say they never change, not even the slightest bit?
Nobody holds stagnant views.
Even the definition of definition itself, is not stagnant.

After two and a half months working in a research centre, i question myself whether i want to spend my life in academia. Is it necessarily that declaring my passion in academia would mean working 24-7, all year round in an AC(air-con'ed) room, writing papers at computers, swallow by mountains of books and being ignorant of what the outside world is?

How much can one make from a human being?

If that is the case, what i long for is not academia, is knowledge, and knowledge alone.

If this is my confession, this is all i want to tell.

Understand if you can, i would not tell more.