情人節的面試亦在當天公佈結果，成功應該高興吧？但不感到格外熱心或興奮，告訴朋友，回應都是：「真好呀，很好玩啊！」而我只是淡淡一笑回應。父母對我離開香港赴英國倫敦劇場實習四個月非常不以為然，媽剛聽到時甚至想罵我，只是忍著吞了回去，今天聽我詳細解釋整個實習計劃內容，終於忍不住問：「為什麼要到劇場實習？」我只知道自己的臉黑得死灰模樣，裝在工作目無表情回答她。很久以前我說服自己要他們理解是近乎不可能的事，但每次只要想到若要做些他們不同意的事，就得張眼看著他們出盡所有辦法阻止我繼續前行，因為愛而互相傷害，真的很無謂。想來想去，跟他們相處的方法只有跟他們保持一點距離。想告訴他們其實我已經鬥得很累了，阻止我去做我喜歡的事並不是疼愛的表現。已經很累很累了。天殺的，如果他們再毫無理由反對我跟以後的男朋友一起，我寧可私下苟合算了。最近一天到晚聽到什麼聲音在腦裡尖叫，用指甲抓牆，不可能再這樣下去了，儘管得在英國過窮日子，我實在不能再留在這裡了。
這次面試總算把我沉睡的腦袋在萬呎深海中喚醒了，一開眼是一望無際的深邃湛藍，究竟是什麼鬼地方？冥界嗎？醒來了，仍然輕飄飄的無重的不著地的無力的浮，是淨向陸地嗎？還是潛向更深的海？
我祈求將有更好的日子。
一片混亂後，終於跟小白兔吃飯了。小白兔有種沉鬱的氣質，似乎是習慣了一個人但又熱愛跟人親近，眼裡總帶些幽幽愁思，有夥小白兔般溫婉柔弱的心。實在很抱歉我完全不在狀態。
其實我究竟在幹什麼？
3月15日前就得到達倫敦了，該準備的東西還真多，那將是很漫長很漫長很漫長的一段假期。
星期一, 2月 05, 2007
風中之燭
死唔斷氣。
三位老闆車輪轉抓我去聊天，然後老闆突然說：「如果你是要我們有需要才留下來，那我現在就告訴你，我們有這個需要。」啞掉，好，我乖。
Centre不斷接新工作，創造無數就業機會，單我個人的工作崗位就有幾個選擇，而經過好幾次洽談後合約又續至三月中。報了英國文化協會的Graduate Internship Program，成功的話可以三月中旬到倫敦的Richmond University 上一個月英語及英國文化的課，接著在當地的theatre company, EMI Music 或Travel Channel實習三個月以上。最近不斷拿著計算機估計三月的財政狀況如何，今年早了為農曆新年添置新衣飾，大筆的消費這兩月可以免了，只是要三月時財政更穩健，我還得再開源節流，最少得把家用賺回來嘛。真頭痛，雖然面前是很難得的好機會，但花費可真不少，加上我也非法預計支出多寡。Contingency plan也想好了，萬一去不了倫敦，幫centre完成了ACCF的翻譯後，就往西藏小遊數月。阿彌陀佛！興奮興奮！
最近工作很忙，變成research assistant暨executive officer暨editor，職權複雜也，同時freelance也從天而降，不過錢總是不夠，嘆氣。這兩星期說了很多頹喪的話，大抵是工作時發現經驗著實不足腦筋也轉得不夠快，老闆同事儘說些稱讚的話那就更突顯另一方面的匱乏。The unspoken words.
這兩天對自己是什麼樣的實體完全拿揑不準，究竟我是怎麼樣的一個東西，彷彿這個人還未成形，像深近視的人沒戴好眼睛看遠景，眼前的景物是滂沱大雨下隱約看到的模模糊糊的邊線。從分手後一直都這樣，成不了人家的太太，那些本身我早該畫好的邊線，更被眼眶裡滾滾而下的淚珠迷糊了線條。「現在想還不算太遲。」JL說。我希望真是這樣，但為什麼我的腦袋還是颳著大風？每次當我想靜下來畫幅畫寫些字帖，吊燈便左搖右擺，桌椅東歪西倒，筆墨翻飛。為什麼總不能把風靜下來？眼睛好累，無力抵抗。
最後還能站著依靠的是什麼？
那枝手杖。
大概是我的信念？或是我對自己微薄的信心？
風中之燭，不盼永恆，只求燦爛。
三位老闆車輪轉抓我去聊天，然後老闆突然說：「如果你是要我們有需要才留下來，那我現在就告訴你，我們有這個需要。」啞掉，好，我乖。
Centre不斷接新工作，創造無數就業機會，單我個人的工作崗位就有幾個選擇，而經過好幾次洽談後合約又續至三月中。報了英國文化協會的Graduate Internship Program，成功的話可以三月中旬到倫敦的Richmond University 上一個月英語及英國文化的課，接著在當地的theatre company, EMI Music 或Travel Channel實習三個月以上。最近不斷拿著計算機估計三月的財政狀況如何，今年早了為農曆新年添置新衣飾，大筆的消費這兩月可以免了，只是要三月時財政更穩健，我還得再開源節流，最少得把家用賺回來嘛。真頭痛，雖然面前是很難得的好機會，但花費可真不少，加上我也非法預計支出多寡。Contingency plan也想好了，萬一去不了倫敦，幫centre完成了ACCF的翻譯後，就往西藏小遊數月。阿彌陀佛！興奮興奮！
最近工作很忙，變成research assistant暨executive officer暨editor，職權複雜也，同時freelance也從天而降，不過錢總是不夠，嘆氣。這兩星期說了很多頹喪的話，大抵是工作時發現經驗著實不足腦筋也轉得不夠快，老闆同事儘說些稱讚的話那就更突顯另一方面的匱乏。The unspoken words.
這兩天對自己是什麼樣的實體完全拿揑不準，究竟我是怎麼樣的一個東西，彷彿這個人還未成形，像深近視的人沒戴好眼睛看遠景，眼前的景物是滂沱大雨下隱約看到的模模糊糊的邊線。從分手後一直都這樣，成不了人家的太太，那些本身我早該畫好的邊線，更被眼眶裡滾滾而下的淚珠迷糊了線條。「現在想還不算太遲。」JL說。我希望真是這樣，但為什麼我的腦袋還是颳著大風？每次當我想靜下來畫幅畫寫些字帖，吊燈便左搖右擺，桌椅東歪西倒，筆墨翻飛。為什麼總不能把風靜下來？眼睛好累，無力抵抗。
最後還能站著依靠的是什麼？
那枝手杖。
大概是我的信念？或是我對自己微薄的信心？
風中之燭，不盼永恆，只求燦爛。
星期二, 10月 17, 2006
是日課題：無良排版員
無良排版員必備條件：永無準時、態度惡劣、工作質素更劣。
１）務必漠視任何死線，遇上客人詢問，需要表現得不以為然，爽快回答：「是呀，還沒做好。」趕死線收到稿件後三日，如客人依舊詢問再三，何時稿件做妥，則立即指出稿件有不明白的地方，待會傳真予客人查詢，然後巧妙地晚上八時多才找到傳真機，並於死線一整天後完成工作。
２）排版二稿，即藍紙前二稿亦為最後大改時間，隨意改稿時按global change，浪費客人半年心血。稿件錯漏百出，排版員時而打瞌睡，時而手多多扮編輯。喜歡便改，不喜歡裝盲。
３）隨意更改死線，星期六中午１２時發稿件予客人，原定星期日早上修改，由於個人喜好，於晚上八時突變為星期六晚收齊九本書全稿，並恐嚇客人有（二）：（一）修改不完整不改，只有四本修改稿拒絕開工；（二）未能於星期六晚上完成修改並交到排版員手上，必然延誤出版藍紙時間，進而影響書籍出版。
４）（接上）和客人表示當天晚上將回家工作，家中無internet，客人必須於數小時內完成稿件，否則當晚罷工。詳細向中介人解釋排版需時，開檔案需要十多分鐘，每改一字數分鐘，存檔亦需數分鐘，是客人改稿時間一倍。客人首先交上一半稿件，由於在街上等了接近一小時，當場黑面。（客人沒指令排版員在街上呆等）立即致電中介人，表示客人不交齊稿件拒絕工作。凌晨５時多，客人帶齊稿件拜訪，繼續詳細交代排版需要用word改稿一倍時間，及完稿時間取決修改多寡，客人反指修改多寡取決於排版質素，不滿。最後表示次日早上１０時半稿件一定完成，覆稿亦該於明天凌晨完成。
５）（接上）次日早晨１１時收到客人查詢稿件完成了沒，不滿，中午才完成稿件。下午四時收到覆稿，拒絕透露何時完成，數小時拒接電話。
６）（接上）星期日晚上１０時開始改稿，凌晨１２時ＦＴＰ出現問題，上載檔案出現問題，致電客人。客人表示或許是server容量已滿，排版員立即命令客人處理問題，完成後再向排版員報告。數分鐘後客人致電，表示找不到中介人，需要排版員自行解決問題，並指排版員可用ftp software上載或刪除檔案，另一法為send e-mail。不滿，指e-mail不能處理大量稿件，客人表示排版員要自行想辦法。後客人刪除了檔案，凌晨二時收到最後覆稿，完成！
忍左佢成個月，為左佢兩日瞓唔夠６個鐘，佢夠膽命令我去delete file，用下個腦啦大佬！係咪連ftp server都唔識用呀？駛唔駛拎你去再培訓呀？可怒也！
１）務必漠視任何死線，遇上客人詢問，需要表現得不以為然，爽快回答：「是呀，還沒做好。」趕死線收到稿件後三日，如客人依舊詢問再三，何時稿件做妥，則立即指出稿件有不明白的地方，待會傳真予客人查詢，然後巧妙地晚上八時多才找到傳真機，並於死線一整天後完成工作。
２）排版二稿，即藍紙前二稿亦為最後大改時間，隨意改稿時按global change，浪費客人半年心血。稿件錯漏百出，排版員時而打瞌睡，時而手多多扮編輯。喜歡便改，不喜歡裝盲。
３）隨意更改死線，星期六中午１２時發稿件予客人，原定星期日早上修改，由於個人喜好，於晚上八時突變為星期六晚收齊九本書全稿，並恐嚇客人有（二）：（一）修改不完整不改，只有四本修改稿拒絕開工；（二）未能於星期六晚上完成修改並交到排版員手上，必然延誤出版藍紙時間，進而影響書籍出版。
４）（接上）和客人表示當天晚上將回家工作，家中無internet，客人必須於數小時內完成稿件，否則當晚罷工。詳細向中介人解釋排版需時，開檔案需要十多分鐘，每改一字數分鐘，存檔亦需數分鐘，是客人改稿時間一倍。客人首先交上一半稿件，由於在街上等了接近一小時，當場黑面。（客人沒指令排版員在街上呆等）立即致電中介人，表示客人不交齊稿件拒絕工作。凌晨５時多，客人帶齊稿件拜訪，繼續詳細交代排版需要用word改稿一倍時間，及完稿時間取決修改多寡，客人反指修改多寡取決於排版質素，不滿。最後表示次日早上１０時半稿件一定完成，覆稿亦該於明天凌晨完成。
５）（接上）次日早晨１１時收到客人查詢稿件完成了沒，不滿，中午才完成稿件。下午四時收到覆稿，拒絕透露何時完成，數小時拒接電話。
６）（接上）星期日晚上１０時開始改稿，凌晨１２時ＦＴＰ出現問題，上載檔案出現問題，致電客人。客人表示或許是server容量已滿，排版員立即命令客人處理問題，完成後再向排版員報告。數分鐘後客人致電，表示找不到中介人，需要排版員自行解決問題，並指排版員可用ftp software上載或刪除檔案，另一法為send e-mail。不滿，指e-mail不能處理大量稿件，客人表示排版員要自行想辦法。後客人刪除了檔案，凌晨二時收到最後覆稿，完成！
忍左佢成個月，為左佢兩日瞓唔夠６個鐘，佢夠膽命令我去delete file，用下個腦啦大佬！係咪連ftp server都唔識用呀？駛唔駛拎你去再培訓呀？可怒也！
星期一, 11月 28, 2005
公家抄飯
還以為留下結婚宣言後大家會在這裡罵我呢，結果日記水靜鵝飛。奇……
很好，不要再罵我了natalie，我很照顧你們的心臟啊，連兩年內想幹什麼都先跟大家說了啦。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
這個星期都忙著工作，星期一整天做即時傳譯，接下來幾天忙趕稿，連造夢都回到art centre 做即時傳譯，起床矇矇矓矓間腦海竟湧出「大集經……Sutra of the Great Assembly」
ooohhhhhh siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit...........(抱頭)
敬業樂業倒說不上，基於八卦心態，當然什麼都去尋根究底、打破沙盆。現在可能每天都為以後的生活播種，為自己賺經驗，忙碌的生活還可以過一陣的，不知一生人這樣的日子可以挨多久。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession
我希望沒有害了peter，其實大家都希望他好。
師妹，純真很好，我沒有想過要教育你。
師姐，我能幫的都會幫，祝好。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos
I was close to one bloody hour late when i got to the church and immediately tripped on the stairs when there were almost two hundred people around. Thank god i finally got the present with me.
Oh bloody jesus christ...
I ran as fast as i could when it was done and found myself at 'Toy Street' in Wan Chai, holding a cup of grande Rocky Road Chilliano, when i regained conscious.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OH SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT
回家，收拾洗好一大堆不值錢的手飾、耳環(該做很久了，耳朵發炎)，看msn……
ohhhhhhhhhhhh sssssssssssssiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt.
我：「你最近一定受了什麼刺激……」
謝：「沒啦……」
謝生的msn name——
老謝：世界上最遙遠的距離，不是生與死，而是，我就站在你面前，你卻不知道我愛你
他還補充——
世界上最遙遠的距離，不是 我就站在你面前，你卻不知道我愛你，
而是 明明知道彼此相愛，卻不能在一起
——給你的話，應該是這一句。
ooooooohhhhhh ssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt.
奉政府諭，所有有為o既香港女士，千祈唔好俾男朋友睇張小嫻……
我希望他是看泰戈爾看回來的……
很好，不要再罵我了natalie，我很照顧你們的心臟啊，連兩年內想幹什麼都先跟大家說了啦。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
這個星期都忙著工作，星期一整天做即時傳譯，接下來幾天忙趕稿，連造夢都回到art centre 做即時傳譯，起床矇矇矓矓間腦海竟湧出「大集經……Sutra of the Great Assembly」
ooohhhhhh siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit...........(抱頭)
敬業樂業倒說不上，基於八卦心態，當然什麼都去尋根究底、打破沙盆。現在可能每天都為以後的生活播種，為自己賺經驗，忙碌的生活還可以過一陣的，不知一生人這樣的日子可以挨多久。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession
我希望沒有害了peter，其實大家都希望他好。
師妹，純真很好，我沒有想過要教育你。
師姐，我能幫的都會幫，祝好。
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chaos
I was close to one bloody hour late when i got to the church and immediately tripped on the stairs when there were almost two hundred people around. Thank god i finally got the present with me.
Oh bloody jesus christ...
I ran as fast as i could when it was done and found myself at 'Toy Street' in Wan Chai, holding a cup of grande Rocky Road Chilliano, when i regained conscious.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OH SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT
回家，收拾洗好一大堆不值錢的手飾、耳環(該做很久了，耳朵發炎)，看msn……
ohhhhhhhhhhhh sssssssssssssiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt.
我：「你最近一定受了什麼刺激……」
謝：「沒啦……」
謝生的msn name——
老謝：世界上最遙遠的距離，不是生與死，而是，我就站在你面前，你卻不知道我愛你
他還補充——
世界上最遙遠的距離，不是 我就站在你面前，你卻不知道我愛你，
而是 明明知道彼此相愛，卻不能在一起
——給你的話，應該是這一句。
ooooooohhhhhh ssssssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt.
奉政府諭，所有有為o既香港女士，千祈唔好俾男朋友睇張小嫻……
我希望他是看泰戈爾看回來的……
星期五, 9月 30, 2005
星期五, 9月 23, 2005
分心
「你在幹什麼嘛？」
「在替人買奶茶、買咖啡、買飯盒、提手袋。」
「這是什麼工作啊？」
「我的工作。」
他終於到了成都，過了三個月終於能靠webcam透過msn看他幾眼。
頭髮比我長，過肩了，口裡嚼著煙，還是穿著那件黑色背心。
看到他笑，我心寬了，忍不住望著螢幕燦爛的笑。
這個星期有點失神，身體不太舒服，想著想著，不知繼續下來該怎麼走才好。
o賴野，做錯事，挨罵了。
是錯了，死貓生貓也得吃，沒法。
她沒有錯，我是做錯了。
這讓我反省到什麼。
這個星期我是不太專心，msn也玩太多了。
有些事情我還沒有看透看清，或許我是執拗，或許我不喜歡，現在，我還沒有想到出路。
不諱言近來很有結婚這想法，很認真。這不是解決問題的方法，我當然知道。
結婚或許帶來更多問題，什麼也未可知。結婚是確認及主權宣示，走到這一步，我其實不過希望跟他一起，其他事情，我不太管。
有事情分心了，無聊跟朋友說起，她著我快點放棄，走另外的路吧。
這些事，實在沒有太多人可以體會。
或許我把事情想得太複雜了，或許裡面有太多假設。
可是，我只能活一次。
我希望能活得精彩。
同時看《金瓶梅》、Memoirs of Paul de Man、Nietzsche : The Gay Science、《Net and Books：癖理由》。
兩天以內要寫好兩篇文章。
「在替人買奶茶、買咖啡、買飯盒、提手袋。」
「這是什麼工作啊？」
「我的工作。」
他終於到了成都，過了三個月終於能靠webcam透過msn看他幾眼。
頭髮比我長，過肩了，口裡嚼著煙，還是穿著那件黑色背心。
看到他笑，我心寬了，忍不住望著螢幕燦爛的笑。
這個星期有點失神，身體不太舒服，想著想著，不知繼續下來該怎麼走才好。
o賴野，做錯事，挨罵了。
是錯了，死貓生貓也得吃，沒法。
她沒有錯，我是做錯了。
這讓我反省到什麼。
這個星期我是不太專心，msn也玩太多了。
有些事情我還沒有看透看清，或許我是執拗，或許我不喜歡，現在，我還沒有想到出路。
不諱言近來很有結婚這想法，很認真。這不是解決問題的方法，我當然知道。
結婚或許帶來更多問題，什麼也未可知。結婚是確認及主權宣示，走到這一步，我其實不過希望跟他一起，其他事情，我不太管。
有事情分心了，無聊跟朋友說起，她著我快點放棄，走另外的路吧。
這些事，實在沒有太多人可以體會。
或許我把事情想得太複雜了，或許裡面有太多假設。
可是，我只能活一次。
我希望能活得精彩。
同時看《金瓶梅》、Memoirs of Paul de Man、Nietzsche : The Gay Science、《Net and Books：癖理由》。
兩天以內要寫好兩篇文章。
星期四, 9月 22, 2005
"You've got to find what you love", by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixart Animation Studios
Stanford Report, June 14, 2005
'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
(adapted from http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html)
'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much.
(adapted from http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html)
星期二, 9月 20, 2005
星期六, 9月 17, 2005
生活
有點累。
有點魂遊太虛。
昨天晚飯後，我以跑步的速度走路，信步進了地鐵車廂，很用力很用力的深呼吸。
差點跑出車廂外。
我想要出去，出去，我要離開，離開。
我不要在這裡，不要在這個牢籠裡。
到了荔景站，終於平靜下來了。
i was close to a nervous breakdown. i could hear my body cracking. my hands trembled.
我感覺constantly being assessed。 很tense很tense，我在地鐵裡靜靜做甩手操，按摩後枕。
或許我要戒咖啡和奶茶，已經太精神緊張了。
究竟為了什麼焦急？
對於很多事情我永遠都不會準備好，因為沒有「準備好」這回事，因為我的心態永遠都不會準備好。我慢慢學習breathe in和等待命運的安排。
到了現在，我開始混亂，究竟我想要些什麼。
在這班群人裡，我顯得格格不入，我不能確定自己是否想成為他們一份子，同時，我也不希望自己精神分裂一人分飾幾角。
或許我會變得像Stuart一樣，既中產又非中產。(雖然他不會說自己是中產)
不過，也許我並不會在這裡生活。
昨天早上十時多，我在中環閒蕩著，找尋皇后大道中(大家都知道我的方向感多好)。在眾多高樓大廈遮掩間，只剩下一小角的天空。陽光熱燙燙，我追日追得出神。
記起輾轉間聽到有女朋友說：「唉，我男朋友終於出頭了，等了這麼久他總算有出息了，能在中環上班。」
暗笑。
有時候我不喜歡做女人，有時候我也可憐男人。
我只是不想純粹為了生活而工作，辛苦一生換一屁股債。
記得跟P說過，我只想過很簡單純樸的生活，以及生活裡有很多我自認為美麗的東西，就如我辦公桌上滿桌的裝飾。
簡單和純樸的生活，那是我跟謝先生的默契。
一切我所想要、需要的東西，就在這個男人身上，像嫁妝一樣送來了。
有時候我想，我以往說的所謂滿足都是假的，我從來從來沒能達到他這樣無欲無求的境界。
我的所謂滿足，都只是非常低層次。
儘管他現在這麼希望我們早日安定下來，如果我跟他說喜歡上別人了，他也只會輕輕答一句：「嗯，祝福你。」然後繼續快快樂樂的生活。
這個男人不是神，或許他什麼人也治不了，但我自己跑到他跟前擺尾巴，他什麼力量也不花，我已經自我馴服了。
我在寫這篇文章的一小時裡，平靜下來了。
或許我，
悟到了什麼。
有點魂遊太虛。
昨天晚飯後，我以跑步的速度走路，信步進了地鐵車廂，很用力很用力的深呼吸。
差點跑出車廂外。
我想要出去，出去，我要離開，離開。
我不要在這裡，不要在這個牢籠裡。
到了荔景站，終於平靜下來了。
i was close to a nervous breakdown. i could hear my body cracking. my hands trembled.
我感覺constantly being assessed。 很tense很tense，我在地鐵裡靜靜做甩手操，按摩後枕。
或許我要戒咖啡和奶茶，已經太精神緊張了。
究竟為了什麼焦急？
對於很多事情我永遠都不會準備好，因為沒有「準備好」這回事，因為我的心態永遠都不會準備好。我慢慢學習breathe in和等待命運的安排。
到了現在，我開始混亂，究竟我想要些什麼。
在這班群人裡，我顯得格格不入，我不能確定自己是否想成為他們一份子，同時，我也不希望自己精神分裂一人分飾幾角。
或許我會變得像Stuart一樣，既中產又非中產。(雖然他不會說自己是中產)
不過，也許我並不會在這裡生活。
昨天早上十時多，我在中環閒蕩著，找尋皇后大道中(大家都知道我的方向感多好)。在眾多高樓大廈遮掩間，只剩下一小角的天空。陽光熱燙燙，我追日追得出神。
記起輾轉間聽到有女朋友說：「唉，我男朋友終於出頭了，等了這麼久他總算有出息了，能在中環上班。」
暗笑。
有時候我不喜歡做女人，有時候我也可憐男人。
我只是不想純粹為了生活而工作，辛苦一生換一屁股債。
記得跟P說過，我只想過很簡單純樸的生活，以及生活裡有很多我自認為美麗的東西，就如我辦公桌上滿桌的裝飾。
簡單和純樸的生活，那是我跟謝先生的默契。
一切我所想要、需要的東西，就在這個男人身上，像嫁妝一樣送來了。
有時候我想，我以往說的所謂滿足都是假的，我從來從來沒能達到他這樣無欲無求的境界。
我的所謂滿足，都只是非常低層次。
儘管他現在這麼希望我們早日安定下來，如果我跟他說喜歡上別人了，他也只會輕輕答一句：「嗯，祝福你。」然後繼續快快樂樂的生活。
這個男人不是神，或許他什麼人也治不了，但我自己跑到他跟前擺尾巴，他什麼力量也不花，我已經自我馴服了。
我在寫這篇文章的一小時裡，平靜下來了。
或許我，
悟到了什麼。
