Can't remember how many lunches I have spent in Cha Cha Moon but this is the first time i felt sick slurping my wonton noodles. I was about to puke the noodles right back to the bowl. May be it's Tony Parsons' "One for My Baby". Something the book said has disturned my stomach. I went back to the same lines to find trace of irritation just to realise my stomach was settled by then. But the sight of food still made me sick.

I find Asian guys checking me out on a daily level. This is not the etiquette I am accustomed to anymore. They keep staring at you like there is no tomorrow. They just turn their eyes and heads as much as they can for you. One should feel important, queenie. Last time I was in a swimming pool in Braunschweig with Thomas and his friend and found ourselves sharing the pool with a few Germans and an Asian family. Asians are rare sights in Braunschweig since there is no industry or work other than Volkswagen and a huge red light district. They checked me out from head to toe as soon as I appeared, from dad to son to mom. They stared at me when I swam past and when they gathered the courage they swam towards me and ran their glances all over me for the millionth time. I mean, mom, reallly, what are you looking at?

During my brief time working in a Chinese supermarket in Chinatown, I can't believe how many grannies and parents found me an ideal granddaught-in-law/ daught-in law and actually want to set me up with their grandsons and sons. Occasionally there will be full-grown men declaring I would make a suitable wife for them. How romantic.

If I ever go to Chinatown again, disappear and reappear again in a couple of years time, you would be able to guess where I had been. Very probably was locked up in one of the basements on Gerrard Street underneath all those Chinese restaurants and supermarkets, only to be let out of the dungeon after I managed to produce a son and made the parents and grannies happy.

I know I am cynical, but the very thought to be under tyranny again makes me sick to my mouth.

I have much mellowed over the last two years: significantly less angry and depressed. However something is still wrong and god knows what. I am more or less in myself. Not fully.

I am still extremely disturbed by the line, 'When we start to connect, you blow it off. You break my heart every day.'

Yea, I know I have way too much feelings.

Deep in my heart, I am worried that what Tony Parsons could be true:

"I think that you can use up your love. I think you can blow it all on one person. You can love so much, so deeply, that there is nothing left for anyone else.
You could give it all the time in the world, and I would never find someone to fill the gap that she has left."

I've lost the tingling feeling, feeling that all your blood is bubbling, rushing to an unknown direction and your whole body is about to burst. May be I stop letting myself fall so deep since. That is wise. I was on the verge of suggesting him to do the same, before he does anything silly. I do care. I do want to save him from his cynical hell and bring him to my heaven where there are angels flying, this is how he put it. I know too well my maternal gene always get me into troubles.

May be what I need is just sleep.

And some vitamins.

傻勁

今年許的願望是找份好工。

許願後一直在想這個問題，就是去找什麼工好。離開了劇院這麼久我開始不那麼在意要回去，老實說離開不是太愉快的回憶，當時我並不懂怎樣保護自己及認同自己的價值，最後被高層棄之如敝屐，我只能怪自己還不夠老練。當然公司本來人事關係就不簡單，以前跟我要好的同事都走光了，或許說公司同事精簡了一大半，那很清楚顯示高層決策行事出現嚴重問題。

最重要是大部份藝術家都極度自戀自大而又不是非常聰明，跟這樣的人工作將是很大的挑戰。

攝影是另一個可能性，2007年6月P已經數度力勸我去當攝影師，還聯絡一家駐倫敦波蘭人開的攝影公司說我曾為National Geographic拍照，當然我哈哈大笑以後就沒管他，現在T也到處騙人說我是舞踏攝影師。

很難介定我是喜歡攝影圖象顏色還是什麼，比如一開始真正接觸劇場，我是那個拿著油髹給樹填色，畫backdrop和畫馬車木紋的tiny香港女孩，真正唸drama是以後的事。

我喜歡創造可觸摸到有實體的物件(當然物件by definition就可觸摸到並有實體)的感覺，比如中學時朋友生日我買了壽包給他，還用硬卡紙造了蒸籠，或者是摺紙。在創造過程0至1，我都完全可以監造，看見物件由物料變成完成品的過程，像萬丈高樓從地起背後的建築師。

我喜歡在美國學畫時，滿手顏料，畫版椅子的粗糙，工具上兩端無限延伸的木紋，刷白的studio，滿地顏料畫具，永不停斷的音樂，不分神日以繼夜夜以繼日的轉注，心裡的平靜。像拿著攝影機心裡就踏實了，整個世界都在攝影機和眼球攝獵裡，我看到了其他人所看不到的美麗，自然的萬丈光芒，樹與樹之間滲出的那點光，樹葉上那點點星星般的霜。

我喜歡拿著一手泥濘、毛茸茸雪球的感覺，那實實在在可嗅到的青草味道、鼻子冷得酸酸麻麻鼻水不停、在草原上狂奔、在巨樹下穿插、摘藍梅草梅再一手把它們壓成槳掉丟……就是這一切一切自然所賦予而於我們又是未知，這一切一切正正在我們眼前的東西。

只有把我的心給你，你才能感受到我有多愛這個世界。

S給我一堆蘇打綠的歌，我聽著聽著《小情歌》：「我想我很適合 當一個歌頌者」，心裡又冒出一肢熱。或許是歌詞，或許是簡單不嬌揉造作的唱腔，我為他們的堅持而感動。在youtube上看Mr. Children的Kurumi MV，嘩啦嘩啦的哭起來：



或許我很傻，但我只是跟他們一樣，比其他人多了一點傻勁和堅持，因為我不甘心做個賣魚佬結婚生仔老死。

最終都是要死，這短短幾十年，我還是想活得精彩。

願各位安好﹗

早抖。

最近沒什麼能吸引我，只是不停不停不停的工作，生活已經變得有點無聊了。
想做的事情很多，但時間太少。說是說要讀博要交獎學金申請，但只是前進了一點點，personal statement仍然未動筆，很沒精打采。

或許是惰性令我繼續住在這個三層屋子裡，我熟悉我的同屋也熟悉這一區，同屋都是好朋友是好人，但我總感到是時候要到別的地方走走，或者是新的衝擊。如果能不讓家裡知道的話，我想去一個長長的旅行，在這大都市住的久使人失去方向也失去感覺，很奇怪。
最近天天發怪夢，昨天發夢把T殺掉了，他最後一句話是：「我明白你的處境。」上廁所回來再睡，夢見的是女病人從肚皮小洞裡拉出幾米長的大腸。

T叫我把病人跟夢都境都寫出來。

希望過了星期天我可以從獲新生。

下雪了﹗

10月倫敦已下了今年冬天第一場雪。


誰說倫敦不下雪的？

今年3月跟4月，還有現在倫敦都在嘩啦嘩啦的下雪，這是我人生第二場雪啊！T不讓我出去亂跑，只關了燈讓我躲在他家裡像小狗一樣倚在客廳的大玻璃窗前，偷偷伸手出去感受外邊陰深深的寒風和靜靜飄落我雙手的雪。

快快打了好幾個短訊給倫敦的朋友和遠在香港的爸：「天呀天呀，倫敦在下雪呀﹗十月飛霜呀﹗包大人你在哪呀？」

再一個多月，差不多我生日的時候，太陽下午三四時就累得要爬下山了。很懷念上年跟姨媽、表妹和H跑到黑漆漆的海德公園參加聖誕嘉年華會，然後第一次到歐洲的姨媽，下午四時天一黑，就嚷著要回家了。

窩在床舖裡，好溫暖好溫暖，我就是喜歡這樣的冬天，我想我慢慢喜歡冬天了。

終於從劍橋回來了。

一直很喜歡很喜歡劍橋，這可能跟《再別康橋》有關，或許是林行止，或許因為King's College 和Trinity College 抒人的歷史感和漂亮的建築，或許是我更喜歡哭橋和划艇的帥哥。整個城市滲著濃厚的書卷氣，周末下著毛毛細雨，恬靜得讓人想就這樣躺在床上昏死過去。好滿足。酒店採自然色系，裝修傢俬不是奶白色就是淺咖啡色，襯藍白格子的床舖，想起Greece，想起渡假。房間很安靜，從窗戶看出去是無邊無際綠油油的草地，每個晚上都是昏迷不醒睡得很香。早上醒來跟很多好人聊天，然後想世上好人真少，特別在倫敦更少，很想嫁給Anthony Fields或迫他收我為徒，最少幫我找個在West End生存的空間啊﹗每天來劍橋我都問自己同一個問題：「天殺的，幹嘛不乾脆來劍橋讀博做個學者？(當然前提是劍橋收我這個學生)多快活啊﹗」

回來後告訴T，劍橋那個酒店的床好舒服，著他有空也跟我一起去玩玩。他問是不是投訴他的床不夠好。最大的問題是他沒枕頭，只有很多cushions。

還是很悶。Richard決意不跟我說話，看著其他人也覺得很無聊，奇怪為什麼這班人晚上11時睡覺，晚上回來吃飯看電視打電玩，日復日月復月年復年，我看著都悶死。有時很想念Pio，那時最少有個瘋子晚晚陪我玩，現在晚晚想在房間吊死自己。

還是快點搬家。

渴書

很快看完了極端正面的The Alchemist，在《中國農民調查》與The Metamorphosis and Other Stories中選了後者，但其實更想看的是The Death of a Salesman、The Unbearable Lightness of Being、The Stranger和《如夢之夢》。


離開浸會圖書館一年多，終於又渴書了。



另，收到H的電郵，一下子把整套《秒速五厘米》看完了。

前幾天睡不著覺，不知不覺來到自己的日記本，翻到了兩年前的11月，過路人一樣看著那些前塵往事。這兩年，像薔蜜一樣刮了過去，整個世界翻倒、崩塌又重建了，人死了又活過來了。那時候我比喻的所謂彼岸，更遙不可及。

我想，我送給他的第一份禮物，那封信還有一些我的照片，是不是不小心也把我的心也夾在裡面。我造的那本照片簿，也經已發黃了吧？當中永遠停留在那年夏天，熾熱陽光下草坡上越野車奔馳中的你和我。在照片簿上我寫到，「慶幸我遇到你。」

有人向前走了，有人止了步。

那天你罵我自私一個人跑出來，我在這個時鐘比你走慢7小時的地方流著一臉的淚，把那本發黃的照片簿合上了。

你知道嗎？我不是不想回去，我是不敢回去。

抵受了這兩年刮的大風，我所領會到的是，我怕。

我怕得要命。

以前我為了你而活著，現在我問的是：我為什麼活著。






幸好兩年前我沒看到「秒速五厘米」。


主題曲： 山崎將義 One More Time, One More Chance

然後，我認為今晚還是關緊門窗好，免得又跑去人家房間看電視。